As a trainer, if you don’t have influence, you have nothing. Have you ever been in a conversation and found yourself constantly thinking about what you were going to say next? Have you ever been to a networking event to meet someone important and felt the strong desire to be impressive?

I remember being self-conscious about how I was coming across in social and professional situations. I found myself so concerned about what to say, I would totally miss what the other person was saying, which only escalated the issue. I felt like I needed to come to the conversation with a funny story, an amazing statistic or a fascinating update. Basically, I felt like I needed to “perform” in every conversation. I know now this was driven by my innate desire to please other people and, therefore, I felt if they were laughing or surprised, it must mean they like me.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you need to be interesting or impress people to win people over? I feel like the more I tried, the more hollow I sometimes felt.

Fortunately, I made a very intentional pivot back in 2011 that started me on a trajectory of personal growth. I started reading any book I could get my hands on that dealt with leadership and communication. Anything from the classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” to John Maxwell’s “Everyone Communicates, Few Connect.” And while those books have proven tremendously helpful and I recommend them often, true learning only happens through the application.

Becoming a Great Communicator and Connector

There is no easy path to becoming a great communicator and connector. Before I go further, let me define what I mean by “great communicator and connector.” There are many great speakers, those who can make you laugh, cry and inspire you all in the same presentation, but they are not all great at connecting with you one on one.

Delivering a great performance is distinctly different, in my opinion, than driving connection. Then, there are speakers that talk a lot, but aren’t very effective.

A great communicator and connector is someone who leaves you feeling better about you.  They engage you thoroughly in an interactive discussion. Often, they actually say less, listen more and ask thoughtful questions. You leave them feeling a bit better about what’s possible for your future. When they deliver difficult news to you, you accept it, but feel encouraged by how they shared it with you. You actually appreciate their approach. Ultimately, you feel connected to them on a personal level.

Performance speaking has a real place to serve in this world, and I enjoy doing that when appropriate, but we need to avoid putting ourselves in that position in everyday conversation. We tend to put this “performer communication” pressure on ourselves to entertain or impress and unless we learn how to communicate authentically, we rarely put our best foot forward.

3 Mindset Shifts for Better Communication and Connection

Here are three mindset shifts that I’ve adopted into my personal philosophy when interacting with people. I hope you find them helpful for you. (One more thing: None of them have to do with your personality.)

1. Focus on being interested, instead of interesting. 

• This is not a personality thing. You never know where a conversation can go if you focus on asking questions. Most people are comfortable talking about themselves and answering questions.
• I had the opportunity to visit the home of the former CEO of a multibillion-dollar corporation. My old self would have been so focused on not embarrassing myself, or I would have tried to come up with all of these interesting things to say. Instead, I showed a deep curiosity for things they were interested in. In a library bigger than my living room, we ended up having a fascinating conversation about the books that influenced them.  Pressure off, genuine connection made.

2. Look at every conversation as an opportunity to learn.

• Whether that’s learning more about that person, their industry or the latest binge-worthy show on Netflix, you can always learn something new — from anyone.
• I was traveling in Tampa, Florida in 2021 and happened to strike up a conversation with a college student familiar with the area. By showing a genuine interest in a stranger, I discovered what is now one of my favorite ice cream places in the country and let’s just say, I am a big ice cream fan … but who isn’t? Also, remember the book conversation with the CEO? Well, he ended up recommending a book for me that elevated my game and influence as well. A learning attitude takes the pressure off, fuels our innate desire to grow and can open the door to limitless opportunities — and yes, I do include great ice cream as an opportunity.

3. Seek to understand before being understood.

• Taken straight from Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” this one habit revolutionized my connections and influence with people. Through my experience, roughly 85% focus on what they are going to say before the other person has finished their thought. This means, we’ve come to a conclusion before we have all the information. This is like planning your trip across the country before you know the final destination.
• Nowhere is this more common than with the people we know the best. Next time you want to interrupt because that thought is on the tip of your tongue and you just have to get it out, just let it go. If it’s important, it will come back to you, and if you listen closely, it just might not be relevant anymore by the time they finish talking.

What’s remarkable about these three mindset shifts is that they will all increase trust and buy-in from those you connect with. People don’t care about what you know, until they know how much you care.

If you don’t have trust and buy-in as a training leader, then you have nothing. Do these small things consistently over time and watch your level of influence climb.